recognizing the divinity of motherhood on mother's day


Last Mother's Day I just tried to survive--survive another first without mom, survive another day without my own baby to hold in my arms, survive a complicated holiday for a stepmom. I remember sitting on the couch crying in the church foyer completely overcome with emotions.

Last Mother's Day I talked about how the year before I would never have imagined my mom would be gone from this earth. If you'd told me last year that this year I'd be pregnant and about to give birth to my first child I wouldn't have believed you either. Time is a strange thing.

baby earl first & second trimester recap


So I thought when I got pregnant I'd be blogging a TON documenting every detail. Well, it turns out pregnancy sucks A LOT of energy out of you. I had no idea how exhausting this entire process would be.

Tomorrow I'll be 30 weeks. It feels like this pregnancy has gone super fast and slow at the same time. There's so much anxiety that goes along with pregnancy, especially because it's my first time and I don't know what to expect.

Overall, I feel like pregnancy has been fairly kind to me. But I am so ready to be done. Once I hit 37 weeks this little dude can come as soon as he wants.

thoughts on becoming a boy mom

baby earl's gender reveal at 15 weeks

I thought I’d be devastated to find out we were having a boy. Like go into a major depression, need to take a mental health day off from work kind of devastated. A bit hyperbolic? Yes, but that’s truly how I felt. I really wanted a girl and thought for sure that was what we were having.

Dale and I have both had individual and together experiences that led us to believe we would have a daughter together one day. So you can imagine my surprise when at our 15 week ultrasound appointment they could already tell we were having a boy.

finding out about baby earl


(I wrote this post on Thursday, September 19, one day after we found out I was pregnant)

Yesterday morning I was terrified to pee on that stick. Well, I don't really pee on it because it's easier to pee in a cup and then dip but I digress. I got up with Dale knowing it was time. I went to the other bathroom with my supplies and proceeded to take a pregnancy test.

I covered the stick up with the instructions while I waited the 3 minutes shaking as I sat on the toilet. In 3 minutes I would meet the inevitable fork in the road to growing our family. One side would lead to more tests, drugs, procedures, and struggles to make our baby. The other side would lead to a new chapter of being pregnant and growing our long awaited baby.

My 3 minutes were up. It was time to find out where the road was taking us next.

navigating infertility and the journey to growing our family


Tomorrow we’re taking a big step on our journey to grow our family. It will be our first attempt at IUI. This past month I've been stressed and nervous working to get to this point. But now I feel full of hope and excitement. I know we’re getting closer to meeting our future baby.

This journey to grow our family has been much longer and filled with road bumps that I never anticipated. I thought we’d get pregnant within the first year of being married. Isn’t that what happens when you don’t use birth control and don't have a family history of infertility?

One of the last texts I have saved from my mom is her comforting me after taking another negative pregnancy test. I've peed on countless sticks all with the same result--no baby in my belly. To better prepare by body and future baby, I spent a year transitioning my antidepressants to a safer medication. Last summer we got the thumbs up from my doctor to start seriously trying and then two months later mom died.

surviving my first mother's day without mom


the last picture of me and mom together

As a stepmom, Mother's Day is already a complicated holiday for me. Then you add the tragic loss of my mother 10 months ago combined with our continuing struggle to get pregnant and the day quickly became an emotionally explosive trifecta.

Mother's Day Weekend my emotions were on a twisting roller coaster of highs and lows. On Saturday I was overcome by despair and self-pity. By the time we got home from visiting the boys in Farmington, seething rage mixed with numb indifference clouded my mind and engulfed my body. Unsure how to help myself and wanting to be alone, I took a shower and let the water poor over me for 20+ minutes.

I sat on the floor of the tub and cried. I wanted to cry more than I could actually let out. The desire to wail and lose complete control welled up inside but I couldn’t surrender. It hurt too much. Like a crying baby, I let enough out so I could at least fall sleep.