why as a woman and mother I'm terrified to live in a post-roe world

My last post shared my feelings during the early days of my miscarriage earlier this yeara failed, very wanted pregnancy that thankfully passed without the need for additional medical intervention. Had the pregnancy not passed on its own, I had chosen to have a D&Ca medical procedure that is the most common method of early abortion.  

In today's post-Roe world, where elective abortion can be outlawed or heavily restricted, the health care choices I had when I miscarried will be nonexistent for millions of women. My miscarriage experience has provide me with a different lens in which to view the reality and rhetoric surrounding abortion laws. The overturning of Roe v. Wade today leaves me terrified to be a woman and mother in this country. 

the early days of a miscarriage

I should be meeting Dale at my first doctor appointment this morning but I’m not. We should be hearing our baby’s heartbeat for the first time but it’s not beating anymore. 

My uterus should be expanding with new life but instead it’s empty. Two weeks ago I was worried I was showing too much already. Now my belly is just soft with no precious cargo inside. 

One minute I’m fine and the next I want to disappear into the pain. I thought I’d escaped becoming a member of this awful club that no one ever wants to join.

starting a new work, life chapter

After over five years with the same nonprofit organization, I started a new, full-time job last month. I forgot how demanding it is to be in a new environment with a new set of responsibilities to learn. In the course of the first week I went from euphoria to exhaustion with every other emotion in between. 

There were times over the past few years that I wanted to leave my former job but I either didn't have the energy for all that would entail, it didn't feel like the right time to leave, or I couldn't find a better opportunity. Making this shift in my work life has been a long time coming. I didn't know if it was something I wanted or needed---"it" being a mom who works full-time outside the home. 

three years without you

On Saturday it will be three years without you. I so badly want to slow down. To stop my mind from racing and be quiet. To really feel and disconnect from the world. I took a mental health day from work today. I'm taking the time to write this while Henry naps. I'm trying. But I need your help. And you're not here. 

Over a year into motherhood and all that it entails, I find myself struggling with how to take care of my family and also take care of myself. What does time to myself look like now? How do I give myself permission to take a break? I know I'm not alone in these feelings but that doesn't make it easier. I wish I had a hobby like gardening that could help me disconnect from everything else. I know that helped you. But I haven't found mine yet. I need to keep looking. 

the joys of motherhood

Today I had the honor of speaking in my church's sacrament meeting for Mother's Day. The following is the talk I shared with my congregation. 

The Joys of Motherhood 
by Clarissa Earl

In the scriptures we learn that men and women are that we might have joy. Today I feel truly joyful. I am honored to have the opportunity to speak to you about the joys of motherhood. However, Mother’s Day hasn’t always been a happy day for me. I know it can be a difficult day filled with complicated emotions and heartache for many people. 

9 months with henry grant

You spent nine months growing inside mama and today marks nine months you’ve been growing earth side. 

I marvel at the fact that your dad and I created you. That I birthed you and brought you into this world. I don’t think it will ever cease to amaze me. 

You’re not the tiny baby we brought home nine months ago. You’re getting bigger every day wearing 9 month clothes and 18-24 months shoes. You’ve got big some big feet kiddo.