three years without you

 


On Saturday it will be three years without you. I so badly want to slow down. To stop my mind from racing and be quiet. To really feel and disconnect from the world. I took a mental health day from work today. I'm taking the time to write this while Henry naps. I'm trying. But I need your help. And you're not here. 

Over a year into motherhood and all that it entails, I find myself struggling with how to take care of my family and also take care of myself. What does time to myself look like now? How do I give myself permission to take a break? I know I'm not alone in these feelings but that doesn't make it easier. I wish I had a hobby like gardening that could help me disconnect from everything else. I know that helped you. But I haven't found mine yet. I need to keep looking. 

the joys of motherhood


Today I had the honor of speaking in my church's sacrament meeting for Mother's Day. The following is the talk I shared with my congregation. 

The Joys of Motherhood 
by Clarissa Earl

In the scriptures we learn that men and women are that we might have joy. Today I feel truly joyful. I am honored to have the opportunity to speak to you about the joys of motherhood. However, Mother’s Day hasn’t always been a happy day for me. I know it can be a difficult day filled with complicated emotions and heartache for many people. 

9 months with henry grant


You spent nine months growing inside mama and today marks nine months you’ve been growing earth side. 

I marvel at the fact that your dad and I created you. That I birthed you and brought you into this world. I don’t think it will ever cease to amaze me. 

You’re not the tiny baby we brought home nine months ago. You’re getting bigger every day wearing 9 month clothes and 18-24 months shoes. You’ve got big some big feet kiddo.

if senior year were a mix CD, tracks 1-4

 

I don't want another pretty face 
I don't want just anyone to hold 
I don't want my love to go to waste 
I want you and your beautiful soul 

You're the one I wanna chase 
You're the one I wanna hold 
I won't let another minute go to waste 
I want you and your beautiful soul 
Your beautiful soul, yeah... 

Jesse McCartney’s one-hit-wonder Beautiful Soul fades into the crisp, Pacific Northwest air as the clock in Keely’s Mercedes station wagon clicks over to 12:05pm. Lunch is almost over. Time to pack up our peanut butter sandwich scraps and head to class.

8 months with henry grant


Eight months sounds like a long time ago, and yet somehow, you're already that old. You’re still a baby but I know that soon we’ll blink and you’ll suddenly be a toddler. You’re sitting up on your own more and scooting all day long. Today you’ve done several push-ups and I can tell your legs will follow suit soon. 

Over the past two months your eating has dramatically improved. We no longer dread feeding time and you’re getting closer to the fifth percentile for weight! Without fail, every time we give you your first bite of solid food you get this highly skeptical look on your face like you’re just sure it’s going to taste awful. 

You have a nose like daddy and get stuffed up easily. You HATE having your boogers sucked out and scream so loud our ears hurt afterwards. You’re wearing 6-9 month and 6-12 month size clothes. Baby Gap and Carter’s seem to fit you the best. Mommy loves getting you dressed up for church and thrifting clothes for you at Other Mothers.

a wish for my son on election day


I want my son to honor and respect women. 

I want him to see beyond a two-party political system and truly evaluate candidates on their values and what they stand for. 

I want him to live in a country where all lives and relationships are valued and respected. 

I want him to live in a world where racism and white supremacy no longer wield their ugly heads. 

I want him to live in a country where someone’s ability to pay does not dictate their access to healthcare, housing, and other essential human needs.