three years without you

On Saturday it will be three years without you. I so badly want to slow down. To stop my mind from racing and be quiet. To really feel and disconnect from the world. I took a mental health day from work today. I'm taking the time to write this while Henry naps. I'm trying. But I need your help. And you're not here. 

Over a year into motherhood and all that it entails, I find myself struggling with how to take care of my family and also take care of myself. What does time to myself look like now? How do I give myself permission to take a break? I know I'm not alone in these feelings but that doesn't make it easier. I wish I had a hobby like gardening that could help me disconnect from everything else. I know that helped you. But I haven't found mine yet. I need to keep looking.