thank you for needing me

Neither of us is good at waiting. Patience is certainly not our strong suit. I admit I kinda love that about you. It makes me feel understood in some strange, meaningful way.

As I sit here trying to work on a freelance assignment while you nudge my arm asking for loves, I can't help but be grateful that you need me. You could be sleeping on the couch in the living room with dad but instead you're lying on the hardwood floor next to my desk chair.

I'm in a waiting period. I have been since shortly after we got you. I know it won't always be just you, me, and daddy. One day we will be blessed with the human sister we all talk about so much. She will become your new best friend.

But you'll always be my baby. The baby I needed while we waited so impatiently for your sister to arrive. The baby who let me hold her after my own mom was taken too soon. The baby who reminds me everyday how much I am loved and wanted. The baby who knows me only as her mother.

I didn't know how much I would need someone I could mother 24/7. Even though you drive me crazy, I'm always sad when you're not with us. It doesn't feel right. I already spend most of my time feeling like someone is missing. And when you're gone, it only makes that ache worse.

See this journey to motherhood hasn't been at all what I expected. I wear my stepmom badge with honor, but it comes with so many limitations and so much heartache. It's truly the hardest role I've ever been called to fill.

I love your brothers with all of the love I possess. I long for the day they get to come to our house, when you'll "help" us make chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen, and accompany dad and me as we tuck them in bed. You know their smell and already think their room is the most exciting place in the house.

I need you the same way mom needed Russell when we were finally in school full-time. I remember her saying how she knew she needed Russell when she said she was going to get in the shower and no one responded. Russell was her someone while dad was at work and we were at school. He helped fill a void during a period of transition. The same way you fill a void for me during this period of transition and waiting.

I know you're just a dog (and an anxious, slightly cuckoo one at that). But I am so happy your dad found that ad online that brought us to you. Your unconditional love is a gift I will always cherish.

I'm grateful I get to be your mama every single day.

No comments :

Post a Comment