the dead moms club

Six months. 184 days. 4,416 hours. 264,960 minutes. That's how long mom has been gone.

For some reason, today felt like a significant milestone in this never ending grief journey that's been thrust upon us. I'm an unwilling member of the dead moms club. Most of us end up becoming a member eventually. But I never imagined it would be this soon or under these circumstances.

When I woke up this morning, I was conscious of the date but wasn't focused on its significance. I got up ready to get to work early and tackle my to-do list. I fed Zoey, made myself a healthy smoothie, and read my scriptures.

Then I made the mistake of looking at Instagram before I got into the shower.

surviving my first christmas without mom

2018 will forever be burned in my memory as the year we lost mom too soon. Stuck in the sterile environment of a ghost town ICU. Absorbed by sorrow, disbelief, and horror. Mom slipped away in the wee morning hours mere minutes after the machines turned off. Spencer and Ian made it just in time to say their goodbyes. We each held her hand and told her how much we loved her. And then, just like that, she was gone.

Typing these words over five months after that dreadful day still makes my chest tighten and stomach turn. I'm glad this first holiday season is over. One less first to face in the future.