grief day 55

I'm at a stage in the grief process where some of the initial shock has worn off. Most of the adrenaline that's been keeping me going the last two months has also dissipated. Getting up every day and moving forward feels harder right now.

She's not coming back. That's actually starting to sink in.

I've been pushing to navigate life at the same capacity I was before mom died. Almost two months in, I'm realizing that might not be possible for the next little while as I continue to work through my grief and figure out some other major areas of life related to work and family.

Grief is exhausting. I had no idea the physical and mental toll it takes on your body.

Looking at pictures on Facebook of my time living in Spokane, I'm struck with gratitude that I followed the prompting to move back to Washington after grad school.

Logically it made zero sense to me but I knew in my heart it was what I needed to do. I had faith that what I was doing was the right decision even if I didn't understand why at the time. I know the why now.

I feel very blessed to have had that "bonus time" as my mom liked to call it. During that year and a half I lived in Spokane I had the opportunity to be close to my family, work at a job I loved, find an amazingly influential friend, and meet and date my husband.

You can't ask for much more than that.

Tomorrow is my mom and dad's 32nd wedding anniversary. The first anniversary they won't celebrate together here on earth.

My dad and mom didn't have a perfect relationship. They had struggles, trials, disagreements, and misunderstandings. There were days, weeks, and probably even months where they didn't particularly like each other. But no matter the season of life they were experiencing, their love never feigned.

As their child, I never doubted their love for each other or for me and my siblings. My mom was a strong, amazing wife and mother. She taught me more than I'll ever be able to adequately express.

Day 55 has been a hard one. I'm hopefully tomorrow will be better.


  1. Nicely written Clarissa. Thank you for sharing. Your mom had the best laugh!

  2. Their anniversary. How hard.
    You're doing amazing Clarissa. Keep pushing minute by minute and take the time you need. It sucks so bad that this nightmare won't end and she won't come back.
    But you're teaching all of us so much by sharing what you share. Loves and hugs.