365 days of grief

Last week I met with my therapist for the first time since we lost my mom. Most of my session was spent recounting the events of my mom's final week on earth. Much like us, my therapist had no idea that something like this was going to happen. He said that with significant losses like this that you are in a period of grief for at least a year.

365 days and a lifetime without her. That's a hard reality to swallow.

As I related the harrowing hours leading up to my mom's passing to my therapist it still felt unreal. I was there. I witnessed everything. I saw it happen. I held her hand as we listened to some of her favorite songs and cried. I watched her take her last breath. Even with all of that I still can't fully believe it. I guess you could say I'm still in the denial stage of grief.

Today marks 27 days. Almost 4 weeks without my mom on this earth. I can't call her after I get off work or text her during the day. She's still number one on my favorites contact list. I'm not ready to remove her yet.

Countless loving people have asked me how I am doing. All I can manage to say is that I'm taking it one day a time. That's all I know how to do right now. I want to breakdown and retreat from the world but I have too much to live for. Too many people who count on and need me. I'm not complaining about that. It's honestly probably the only reason I'm still functioning.

How do you get through a huge loss like losing a parent? Honestly, I don't know yet. I hope and pray that as I learn to navigate this "new normal" that I will be able to provide clarity and peace to others experiencing similar pain and loss.

I just wish I could call her and talk to her one more time. To talk to her about all the future things she won't be here to share with me. I know it still wouldn't be enough. But with how we lost her I didn't get the opportunity to hear her say she would see me again and that we would all make it through the many decades without her.

My therapist also told me that moving forward big joyful moments will always have a tinge of sadness. That you don't just mourn the present but you mourn the lost future.

I'm grateful for my faith and knowledge that I will see her again. That this life is not the end. But oh how badly it hurts to think about how many years I have to live without her.